The familiar knot in my stomach was doing back flips again as I fumbled through the bank statement that was in my hands. I was minus thousands. I had some bread and pasta in the food cupboard which was hilarious because I had recently discovered an intolerance to wheat. That night my auntie brought me up a plate of hot food and bags of shopping. I remember feeling not just physically ashamed but also spiritually broke. The bills were ok for next month so there was that and I would have to go on government assistance until I could get back on my feet. All the drama and poor decision making that had lead me to that moment swirled around in my head replaying itself over and over. I would have to close up my business, get a full time job and leave all of this behind me. Every self critical “I told you so.” boomed through my mind and I entered into the chaotic space of shame. I had failed. Truly failed at making something I love into a success. It was late that night amidst burning candles and incense with prayers louder than I had ever prayed before spouting out of my mouth that I remembered something I'd read years ago. “When your life feels like it's falling apart it's actually falling into place.”. That was all I needed that night and thankfully I was wise enough to follow it. So I let go.
Worry wasn't going to make money magically appear in my bank account. It also wasn't going to keep me clear minded enough to deal with what I needed to to get through this next phaze. The most amazing thing about having nothing is that you learn to be grateful and to celebrate the small things. I was a bit too proud to accept money from my family so my mum began a stealthy operation to hide money around the house when I wasn't looking so that I would find it when she had left. I never went hungry, I kept a roof over my head and within 2 weeks I had found a part time, cash in hand job. There's nothing like living at survival level to teach you about the importance of abundance. We often hear that money is the “root of all evil” but that's simply not the case. Money is a beautiful but fairly benign energy, how it's used is what gives it it's power. How we feel about it is what opens the door to it in our lives. My relationship with money up until that point had been rooted in survival. No matter how much money I earned I would always attract a situation that would take it out from under me. I would always, ALWAYS get what I needed but never enough to play with. My inner narrative about wealth was that it was a give to get situation rather than an energy designed to enable freedom in our culture.
These days I look at my account and it no longer fills me with dread. I have given myself a level of freedom that is perfect for this point in my life. It might seem sad to some of you but there's no feeling for me like going into an art store and buying something to help me create without worry. I am abundant in love, health, vitality, peace and money and I also understand that all of these energies are fluid. They all seek their own level. When manifesting, creating physical wealth in my life it has benefitted me greatly to consider some inspiring questions. What would change in my life if my funds were limitless? With limitless funds what would my life be five years from now? Ten years from now? Who would I be as a result of that financial shift? Who do I need to be to attract that kind of uplift? These are wonderful focal points to create energetic wealth. If you can focus on these in a way that is truly authentic whilst also learning to be grateful for what is right in front of you, you'll open the doors to all the different shades of abundance that lie within you. It might show up in a different way at first. You may become abundant in family before it shows up in your bank account. Learn to see it moving through your life. Take control. The universe responds to the energy you give it. Piece by piece, step by step I learned to discard my worry about money and change it to an energy of gratitude and playfulness. Take that step today. Let your imagination be the playground it was designed to be.
Thank you for reading,
Ryan James x