My history includes a long relationship with bullies. I was always the weird kid. I was arty, sensitive ( which used to be a codeword for gay ) and I had an internal freedom that didn't quite understand the cynicism of the world. From the age of 8 to 16 I was picked on, beaten, harassed and ostracised. The trauma of these experiences was a major component to the depression that ate up my twenties. It formed a part of me. I created a persona to survive it and found various, unhealthy expressions for the internalised rage it left me with. None of it was fun. I look back at the young man I was and I just want to cuddle him, cry for him and let him know that it's all going to be ok. I want him to know that even if things don't always “get better”, who you are certainly can. This time of my life left me with certain habits and skill sets that even to this day I am trying to unlearn. I use sadness as a way to stop myself fully showing up in my life. I pull away instinctively to anything that will shine a spotlight on me or my work. I check and then double check anything that I put out there into the world and I also have moments of absolute anxiety when it comes to my clients. The loud, pervasive, collective chanting of hatred towards me ( sometimes happening literally ) left it's mark.
That's why these days I can spot a bully at ten paces. I know how they work. I know how they think. I know the language they use to hide their coercion, abuse and cruelty. I also am learning and relearning what it takes to forgive them. To offer them the love they clearly are searching for. To do this, whilst also maintaining a rock solid boundary is difficult. It's weird, each time I feel crappy for a few days a bully will turn up in my periphery. It's normally not a client but usually a friend of a client who hasn't liked what I've had to say. Sometimes it's someone I thought was a friend, sometimes it's an acquaintance. Either way, the venom of that interaction hits me in a particular place and I'm left feeling bruised. I know of course that the bruise is there already and that's the unhealed energy that's attracting this interaction to me in the first place.When it happens I know that I am being called to heal myself at a deeper level and I know that I have to answer that call.
When one human being is cruel to another the trauma of that interaction is never going to feel great. You won't have control always over how you feel during the initial shock. You do however have complete control over how that impacts your life from that point on. You get to determine the legitimacy and the agency you give others within your own energy. I truly wish I had learned this when I was younger. You may have the power to hurt me for a minute but no one will have the power to keep me in a state of pain for a lifetime. I will cry, I will get angry, I will hurt, then I will forgive, I will try to find hope for a better energy, I will let go and I will learn to love you regardless.
Now, whilst my love is unconditional, my life certainly isn't.The second something on this level enters my life I do everything I can to block it out. I do my best to keep my boundaries firm. Cutting ties on social media, blocking numbers and if need be informing authorities. I keep that stuff pretty tight. If you attack me intentionally I will likely never speak to you again. If attack is the nature of who you are then I do all I can to avoid you. Either way, when that shows up I know that it's that old wound seeking healing. This retrograde has brought all of these issues about again and it hit me a little in the gut. There has been a bubble of chaos around me that I didn't quite get a handle on quick enough and then, it manifested.
I'm O.K. I know exactly what this is. Retrogrades bring old wounds to the surface for healing and this is something that I will do my best to work on again. It requires that I love myself more. Care for myself more and be more willing to surrender to any changes that might need to happen. I will pray for my healing. Pray for the people who choose to attack me. I will pray for the people who abuse my message to promote an idea of who they are to themselves. I will pray for those who intentionally repurpose the messages of spirit to serve themselves and I will pray for the people I didn't or can't serve.
Bullying is not ok, ever, but it can only be really transformed when we recognise that both the bully and the victim are broken.
My entire life is on the alter of the Universe and it's up to her right now to change/rearrange whatever needs to happen so that I can walk on this planet the best version of myself.
Thank you for reading,
Ryan James x
p.s. I just read this blog through and it feels a little heavy. I'm honestly fine, I was just made aware of a little meanness about me circulating and in the spirit of retrograde I thought I'd do a little internal inventory. I write things out of my system often and I thought you may be able to use pieces of what I'm healing in your own healing work!